Joel, you're a Type 9 - The Negotiator

Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate this unpretentious way about you and admire the good-natured approach you can take to relationships and life in general. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on to be reassuring and patient. As a Negotiator, you're likely to be seen as a good moderator and communicator who emphasizes finding equitable, amicable resolutions to problems.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Whoopi Goldberg, a champion of progressive social causes, and the late Jim Hensen, an inspirational dreamer and world-renowned puppeteer, are also Type 9s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of inner peace and stability that drives you to resolve conflicts, or potential conflicts, in your path. You're someone who can probably be committed to healing yourself and others while balancing yourself with a happiness that comes from life's simple pleasures.

Please go to these two sites and click the six qualities you feel best describe me.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=sketchturner
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=sketchturner

This post is dedicated to Sonic, who first got me thinking about my love languages. I actually think these results are very right on. My top one definitely was gifts when I was little. When I convinced myself that I had to go without those, though, it became something I no longer care very much about. Quality time is definitely at the top, with physical touch very close. The other 3 aren't nearly as important as those 2.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Physical Touch:		10
Acts of Service:		4
Words of Affirmation:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

I took this personality test. I tried every combo until I found one that had a description that fit me. I really could easily go either way on any of the questions. This was the only description I felt fit me well at all. Funny enough, it was the combo of answers I least would that to have suit me. However, the answers that I originally thought best suited me gave me a totally wrong description.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Sheep are incredibly stupid, but they are at least intelligent enough to recognize the shepherd's voice. Can you?

JOHN 10
3The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

As Christians, we are not to be on a pleasure cruise heading towards heaven, but rather on a battleship at the gates of hell fighting to prevent anyone from going there

Unless you become like children you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

BLINDSIDE:"When I Remember"

That boy is gone
Sometimes i miss the way he wept at night
To be still and not run
To be rocked to sleep in Your light
These days there is not much that will bring tears to my eyes
But when i remember who i am and who You are
When i remember
A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes, and sunshine breaks through the clouds

I am walking blind
So distracted that i dont even feel when You hold me
When did i grow such thick skin
You are my sunshine and rain
My joy and sweet pain
I'm a spotless stain
That boy is gone
But nobody moves me like You do
When i remember

A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my love
I'm not forgotten
I'm in Your thoughts cause i feel sunshine in the rain

To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You do

Will Jesus Christ be your alibi?

BLINDSIDE:"MY ALIBI"
My feet felt light for the first time in months
It was like You came walking across the room
Straight at me and then straight through me
And then stopped and stood still for awhile
I knew then that i'd been lonely for quite some time
And as we started to dance You gently took off my tear soaked coat
And let it fall heavy to the floor and then
We danced some more

When all is said and done
When all is gone and still just begun
I will be asked what i did with my time and why
Can You be my Alibi
Cause i know i spent it dancing with You

I have been here before
These emotions are relived
It's like a joy deja vu
You have been walking along
With me for quite some time
But me with my deaf ear and blind sides
Both of these i turned against You
We all know that You're there
We all know

Said and done
Now all is gone and still just begun
What have i done with my time and why
You are my alibi
Cause i know
I know im dancing with You

Joel, based on your responses, your top career area is Counseling and Guidance

Careers in this field often demand that you have a strong desire to improve the lives of others. Most likely, you have strong interpersonal skills, and enjoy working with people. It may also be important to you to work in a profession where you can be certain you're making a difference.

--Take this test at http://web.tickle.com/tests/jobinterests/
It's one of the better career placement tests I've taken.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 63% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 76% Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 76% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||| 50% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 70% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||| 30% Wealth || 10% Dependency || 10% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50% Physical security |||||||||||| 43% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Histrionic |||| 16% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||||| 30% Hypersensitivity |||| 16% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

And I want to be responsible for what I'm singing about. But I can't be responsible for an entire culture, or an entire church. I can't be responsible for Christendom, and all of its messes and all of its destruction and all of its mistakes. That's not my burden to bear.

I think that when people react reflexively to material that is religious, they're reacting to the culture of religion. And I think an enlightened person is capable, on some level, of making the distinction between the institution of the culture and the culture itself. The institution of Christianity, the way that it's set up, it's institutionalized and comodified, and anytime that happens, anytime it's incorporated, it leads to disaster. I'm on the same page as everyone. I have the same knee-jerk reaction to that kind of culture. Maybe I'm a little more empathetic to it because we have similar fundamental beliefs. But culturally and aesthetically, some of it is really embarrassing.
--Sufjan Stevens

After you die... Heaven After death, you will exist in heaven. Everything and everyone you love will constantly surround you for all of eternity. You lucky scoundrel.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Your Social Dysfunction: Happy You're a happy person - you have a good amount of self-esteem, and are socially healthy. While this isn't a social dysfunction per se, you're definitely not normal. Consider yourself lucky: you walk that fine line between 'normal' and being outright narcissistic. You're rare - which is something else to be happy about.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be firm, steadfast, always fully devoted to the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."--I Cor. 15:58

In Greek, the word used here for labor is kopion and in this context means to work for the Lord until utter exhaustion. Considering that we are to do ALL things as unto the Lord, this means that we should do everything fully. Cook, love, play, work, study, sing, etc. all to the greatest of your ability--ability that God gave you, don't forget!

You Are Mine~~Mutemath

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts consuming time
They hold high their prized possession
That defines the meaning of their life

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine
Oh, mine, You are mine
(repeat)

There are objects of affection
That can mesmerize the soul
There is always one addiction
That just cannot be controlled

Mitch Hedberg quotes...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say "Mitch." and I say "what?"

Y'know, on a traffic light, green means go, and yellow means yield? But on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on" and yellow means "go ahead" and red means "where did you get that banana"

I was standin by a door & a security guard came over; he said "you're gonna have to move. you're blocking the fire exit" As if though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable & have legs, you are never breaking a fire exit.

I like an escalator, cause an escalator can never break down, it can only become stairs. There will be no sign that says "escalator temporarily out of order"; just a sign that says "escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience"

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool opotamus?

I got a belt on that holds up my pants and loops in my pants that hold up my belt. What's going on down there? Who is the real hero?

Dr. Scholl makes foot products. And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time, but it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion will be more comfortable. That dude wasted a lot of time at school. Cause I would've bought that from a Mr. Scholl.

I like the hotels with rotating restaurants. I've never been in a rotating restaurant. But one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, put her on it, and gave her a burrito.

Dogs are forever in the pushup position.

Y'know, I saw this commercial on TV that said you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Now who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel & die.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans... maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time.

If you don't like a parade, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade.

I had a parrot & it could talk. But the parrot did not say "I'm hungry" so it died.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and the sign said "sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry--it's 3 am and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10 & say "hey man I walked by at 3; you guys were closed; somebody owes me an apology."

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. Y'know why? Cause that is the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the people in the pool would be going "what am I supposed to do? the water's only up to here."

I bought a house... it was a 2-bedroom house. But it's up to me how many bedrooms there are isn't it? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a-k-a a hallway.

When I was a boy, I laid down in my twin-size bed wondering where my brother was.

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine & the clerk said "this is not a library." I said, "alright, I will talk louder then."

I had a cold sore so I put carmex on it. I dunno if carmex will heal cold sores, but it will make them shiny & more noticeable.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're relentless.

I was downtown and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, and drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

I like vending machines, because snacks taste better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

One time I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said “Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away.” Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.”

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, “Here's a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is of when you were younger. “Here's a picture of me when I am older.” “No way! how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.”

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. So I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.”

If you get lost in the woods, don't worry about it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

Typing with just one finger is very cool. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

You are Professor X!

You are a very effective teacher, and you are very
committed to those who learn from you. You put
your all into everything you do, to some extent
because you fear failure more than anything
else. You are always seeking self-improvement,
even in areas where there is nothing you can do
to improve.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
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15 Things to do at Wal-Mart:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" ( And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

"The one thing I know for sure today is that there is a God and that He loves me."--Leigh Nash of Sixpence None the Richer

Ephesians 4:29-32

“29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

i recently dug out a booklet from way back when i was in the 1st grade & was one of just 2 people picked as the winners at Oak Hill Elementary School. i got to represent my school at the Okaloosa County Young Author's Conference, which was a huge deal [or at least it seemed like it at the time]. dozens of the "future writers of america" got to spend the day at a college meeting famous authors and cool stuff.
basically, in short, it was my first time ever getting published. the funny thing is, i didn't even know i was entering a writing contest. the teacher just told me to draw a picture & then write something about the picture. so i spent a good long time drawing this REALLY pretty picture (or at least in my memory, it's amazing looking). & then i wrote this dinky little description of what was going on in the picture.
at the conference, they gave all the winners a compilation with the writings of all the winners. mine is one of only 2 (out of probably around 100+ entries) that don't have a title. mine is the only one that's not either a poem or story. but i like it, somehow. in its simplicity, it's somehow poetic. of course, maybe i just think that because it reminds me of that picture i worked so long & hard on. in any case, this is a very long intro that i'm sure will turn out horribly anticlimactic once you read the actual writing, but ah well ;)


One windy day I went to the store. I bought a balloon. The balloon went away. It was a sunny day. But it was still windy. And the air was pink and purple. Like night.

what do you do with life's unanswered questions? do you dismiss them because they are too complex and frustrating and you would rather not think about them? or do you look for answers? should you look for answers even if you know that you'll never completely find it? or is there such a thing as an answer never able to be found?

and when all is said is done, it doesn't matter how many you loved, but how dearly. it doesn't matter how much you've done, but with how much passion you have done it. it doesn't matter how little or how much time you had, but how hard you tried to make every moment count

Waking Up to my Baby Brother

your eyes open to meet mine
savor this moment divine
a love of such pure devotion
innocence unhampered by emotion

why can i not do the same?
why is my heart a beast to tame?
why with others are there strings?
why can the world not love with wings...

so simple to complicate. so much potential. so little reality. so many to love. so little time yet a lifetime. a limbo is upon me. not forced but designed. not an accident but a fool's creation. God i need You now more than ever.

why do people do things different? they seek out new experiences. they look for attention. they look for a new adrenaline rush. or sometimes they just do something crazy & have no conceivable notion of why...

i think i fit into that last cateogry. regardless, this will go down in history as the day i turned my hair dayglo orange

who are you? who defines who you are? is it those around you? perhaps your environment? what you do? but in that case why do you do it? and why do you do it like *that*?
Some people say that you have to stop being someone else and just "be yourself"; but how can you know what that means? People might say you are wearing a mask or pretending to be something you're not, but if you are living a lie, isn't that really who you are~~a facade~~?

is creativity part of intelligence? can creativity be measured?
i'm not sure. i'm pretty sure straight-forward brain-smarts can be measured by a semi-accurate IQ number. but thinking ability is not just the ability to regurgitate facts. some people are excellent at that but i don't think of them as very intelligent at all. head-smart can be annoying.
some people stink at fact memorization/regurgitation, but they have such a novel way of inventing thoughts completely their own that i consider them very intelligent. of course, then, how do you really define creativity? is it really true that there's no thought genuinely new? it's all been thought before? in general, i believe this is true. most questions have been asked before. but the WAY in which they are phrased i believe can be truly fresh & original.

how do you define intelligence? which is better--creativity or knowledge? does a person need both to be intelligent?

"i think i loathe you, so what am i so afraid of? i'm afraid that i'm not sure of, a farce there is no cure for"

the power of jealousy is an interesting phenomenon. blinds you. makes you think things you have no business thinking in the first place. you get hung up & then tell someone & it all makes sense & what is your problem!?

perfectionist..... what does that mean, exactly? everyone (yes,including you) knows i'm a perfectionist. & i hate it. i hate the imperfection of always wanting everything to be perfect. and it never is.
but at least now i'm over the disappointment of when things aren't perfect. but now i just want to know what can i do.... what can i do to make things more perfect? & without being needlessly drained. all there is to do is fall in the hands of the ONE who is perfectly perfect. my hero, my role-model, my GOD

send in the clowns, the freaks, the buzz saws...
i feel more like Ender Wiggin at this very moment than ever before...

i've discovered something about myself. i have this thing where i have to be entirely unique & original. & well, that's just flat-out impossible. a lot of people just don't care about being noticed for ideas, but those who do usually just quote all of the cute things to say that have already been said. but that's just not good enough for me. i'm looking for the ideas that have never been recycled or even whispered. which, well, is impossible. there is nothing new under the sun, right? so, why can't i give this up? it's just annoying now, not fun like it used to be.
it's funny--i looked thru all my movies i've bought, & they're all about freaks of nature who stand out--Alice in Wonderland, I am Sam, Artificial Intelligence, & Conspiracy Theory.
somehow, i think that relates...

i overcomplicate things

i feel frustrated, like i've got some sorta' secret or some special purpose or something, except it's like somewhere along the lines, someone forgot to tell me what my secret is. either that or i forgot it somehow. & it's really exhausting, like i'm burning myself out & not sure what on or where i'm going with it. & why can't i just be normal like everyone else, but i can't. & who defines normal exactly?
i just think i'm missing something

i've come to realize i despize the concept of replacement. though it may be unavoidable, it just is not cool. i don't like the concept of becoming a replacement for someone else. i don't like the concept of someone replacing me. i don't like the concept that i might unknowingly replace someone with someone else. we are each special & have our own place, & nobody can truly replace anyone, yet we try, & there's just something so annoyingly nails-on-the-chalkboard about the whole ordeal. i hate it

faith, hope, & curiosity

so, i'm just sitting here, wondering.... wondering, why after more than 18 years, i've never counted to ten million. & the people in my brain tell me why would i want to do that. that's just so stupid it doesn't make logical sense. a waste of time. nothing accomplished. but how do they know? what happens when you count to ten million? has anyone ever done it to find out. with our finite minds, we think, well counting to ten million will accomplish no more than counting to one would. it's just a bigger waste of time. but who says? how do they *know*. who knows what might happen, if someone, maybe even me, just dares.... to count to ten million. something might happen. something big. but i'll never know if i don't try it. so, why am i not counting yet? why do i keep telling myself i won't even start?

one of my worst memories (circa, 1989)

we're driving... far into the country. i think i'm in germany; it doesn't matter, though. i'm only 4 or 5. the concept of countries is lost on me. so, we're just here, driving. my mom, my dad, me, maybe my baby sister, but i don't really notice. we're just sitting there, driving, through the endless country side. trees, so many trees; everywhere. i'm not sure where we're going; i've never been there before, i hope it'll be fun.
everything is so slow, so warm, so soft. i don't really care when we get there or if we're going. it's just nice. right now. right here. but we do arrive, & i'm happy. there's a massive tree in the back yard, with the biggest tire swing i've ever seen. mama, can i go on the tire swing, please? no, we need to go inside. please, please, it's so cool. why won't you let me? the man & lady who own the house say they don't want me on there.i never did go on that tire swing. i still dream about it, sometimes, though. i never understood, i just wanted to have fun. why didn't they let me just have some fun? but, oh well. i'll just have to forget about it. no use worrying.
so, now i'm inside. a big house, very confusing. i'm not sure i like it. i prefer comfortable small places. i'm afraid of unknown surroundings. there's too much to take in. but thankfully, the adults want to talk alone.
i am quickly whisked up to some room. i don't even have time to pay attention to how i get there. & then i'm all alone. the lady tells me her 2 sons will be home from school soon to play with me. then, she just leaves. i'm frightened, & excited, & frightened to be excited. there's new & wonderful things all around me. i cannot take it all in. mainly, i'm transfixed by the coolest remote controlled car i could never imagine, & the robot on the window sil.. & they even have a Nintendo. i remember hearing about those. they just came out; it sounds like a new type of Atari or something. i like Pac-Man. my mom's really good at it.
but i'm afraid to touch anything. i don't want to touch anything i shouldn't. so i just sit there, hoping these boys will get home soon. i hope they're nice. i don't know how much longer i can keep from playing with that robot...
the boys get home. they're so big. i'm not afraid of adults, but these 2 boys are teenagers. they look so smart, & i feel so stupid & small. i ask if i can play with the robot. no. the remote controlled car. no. annoying little kid. don't touch our stuff!
i'm sorry, i didn't mean to make you mad. i didn't touch anything. they don't believe me. they start inspecting their stuff, looking for what i've broken. they find one toy that's not working right. they say it's my fault, but i never even saw that toy while i was sitting there. just sitting there. so patiently. why do these boys hate me?
they start playing Nintendo. that's good. they won't let me play, but that's ok. i can just watch. this is really neat. but i'm curious, & i have questions. but they don't want me to ask questions. they're yelling at me now. what did i do? they're having fun. why can't i have fun? what's wrong with me that they hate me so much. i want to run away & cry.
finally, they decide they don't even like me being in their room. they say i'm going to mess up everything. i'm not even doing anything, just sitting there. quiet. patient. but they don't care, they take me outside, down to a marshy place. lots of reeds & tall, tan-colored grass. summer is almost over. it's nice outside. it's still light out, but the sun is going down fast. i already hear crickets chirping softly. so nice.
but where are we going? we're going too far from the house. i don't feel comfortable. where are these boys taking me? i'm not sure i want to go. the marsh looks nice, but... my parents don't even know we're gone. i'm scared. why are they suddenly acting so nice? what are they doing. why are we so far away from the house? i don't want to go so close to the water. it's muddy down there. why are they taking me down there? i don't like this.
wait! why are they running? my feet are stuck in the mud. i'm crying, now. it's getting darker? i can't even see the house. the grass seems so much taller. the crickets are loud. too loud.. everything is too overwhelming. my eyes are turning hot, so hot. my cheeks are getting wet. i'm not sure if i'm making noise. i don't know. i'm too afraid to know.
so, i stand here, for what seems like eternity. so sad. how long has it been? forever. i'm going to die here. i am. i'm never gonna' see my parents again. they don't know where i am. they don't know. i don't want to die. what is dying like? i don't even know. i don't want to think about it. why did those boys do this to me? why are they up there, playing Nintendo & with the robot & car, & i'm down here. dying. sobbing. why is this happening to me? why am i abandoned? i don't know the way out. i'm just stuck here. i don't know if i'll ever get out.....

(just a note: what i'm about to write, i've failed for years to express in a way that satisfies me. the other night, i finally got it right. & then it got deleted. depressing. so, here's hoping i can do it justice two times in a row...)

i feel like i am under the curse of having to make too many decisions. i don't know if i was born into this, or if i put it on myself. i don't know. it doesn't much matter; the fact is i have to live with it & cope with it. for most people, most decisions are not conscious. they can simply trust their instincts & emotions. but not me. oh no. i don't trust emotions. & instinct, well... i trust it, but it's too hard to tell when instinct is just emotions in disguise.
so, what does this mean in practical terms? for instance... when i'm riding my bike around the neighborhood, if there's a car parked on the side of the road, most people would just ride around the car, not even giving it a second thought. but is it so simple for me? oh no, of course not. for me, the decision of whether to continue on my path & run straight into the car or whether to peacefully go around it becomes a moral dilemma. i just am not sure, it becomes this infuriating battle; i can't come up with a good enough reason to dodge the car. but somehow, every time, at the very last second, i swerve. & i'm not sure why. i always end up regretting it, feeling as though i've made a 'weak' choice.
now i know what you're probably thinking, but this is *not* because i have some sick desire to hurt myself, or injure my bike or their car. it's really not about that. it's just, i want to make decisions because they're the right decsions. & sometimes, it's so hard to tell, "why am i making this decision? is it because i know it's the acceptable choice that everyone else makes?" if so, that's not good enough. i need reasons.
another practical instance... whenever i'm at the top of a cliff or a tall building, or atop a rollercoaster, whatever... in other words, a high place. i have to make this very conscious decision: "do i jump, or do i stay up here?" i always feel like, yes, i know nobody else jumps, but...mabye they're all missing out. i don't want to miss out. i don't want to make choices because they are the normal decisions that other expect of me. at the same time, i don't want to rebel for the sake of rebelling. it's just not about that.
needless to say, though, all these unneccessary decision-making crisises have their toll on me. it's very stressful, because i never feel entirely satisfied with my choices, not because i think i made the wrong choice, necessarily, but because i'm not sure why i made it. i want my motivation to be right.
of course, this plays out in far more ways than life or death decisions. spiritually & emotionally, i have cars i dodge, & cliffs i always wonder if i should have jumped. they haunt me. those decisions. perhaps there's some cars i need to smash into, even if most of 'em should be dodged. maybe most cliffs can only be enjoyed from the top, but i can't help but thinking, there's some i need to jump down. i don't want to take the path of least resistance. i also don't want to take the path of rebellion. i want to take the right path

i drink this cup, embrace it warmly.
this poison drips through my veins,
breathing death into life.

terror comes as night descends
stars fall from the sky.

a distant dream dismissed again
weathered stones split and crack, so dry

i go down quietly
surrender to the darkness
not by choice but willingly

please take this away...

if i could save time in a bottle... would there be any time worth saving? what have i accomplished worthwhile? does my existence hold significance to anyone? & if it doesn't, will it ever?

cynicism:i hate it so well, know it so intimately. inescapable trait i run from only to go around and hit it again. i do not want this to be my fate; i want so much more. yet i am also afraid of the so much more. have i grown to love the clutches of ambiguity so much that i do not wish them to let go? do i truly prefer confusion to the truth i know to pursue? so foolish as it is even in my own eyes, yet i cannot escape this death-grip.
it is time to move on. to fulfill the purpose i know i was created for. as much as i long for the end, i shrink back at the thought of the path i know i must tread. God has the strength to loose me from this torment, yet i have to want it. why is it i so passionately love the very things i hate?
my mind loves the plague of nonsense and rabbits. mad hatters and cheshire cats, with pepper up their noses. ....do you believe what you see to be true? tell me who makes your mind up for you. tell me who holds the truth.... perhaps this exactly where i am meant to be right now; i almost believe that to be so. yet i fear. .... i dread i’m moving on, in a new unhappy song…. change is so frightening. i secretly wish to stay here, fighting at invisible demons, both real and imagined. grabbing onto reality is too daring a step, yet it is one i must make if i am ever to do what i know i must….

my mind..... an interesting place, to be sure, but sometimes i trouble myself. i wish i could be content to be like most people. just going through life looking for temporal pleasures. why do i have to be so complicated? an absolute irony of my own self, it seems. i never seem to be satisfied, no matter how much i wish i were.
i feel like an "outsider." ....... "you see me, you hear me, there are millions think just like me". yet, they seem so hard to find..... i'm not alone, yet i feel so confined. "this is the loneliest voyage i've ever been on...."